Archive for the ‘Food’ category

60 Bacon Sliced Whopper

June 24, 2008

First God created Bacon. Bacon needed somewhere to live so he made Earth. But Bacon needed consumption, so he made people. But then stupid people shunned God and to punish them he put Bacon into pigs so that it was harder to get at it (before it was just walking around everywhere). People defied God and found the Bacon, locked away.

Once the secret was unearthed, it was sold to Burger King so that someone could go in and order a Whopper with 15 servings of Bacon on top, 4 slices per serving. And the man rejoiced, in his mouth was Bacon, in his heart was vindication, and in his soul he felt he had killed God.



Learn to Run Your Own Dirty Convenience Mart

May 12, 2008

Grab a turban and some shitty knick-knacks as you get ready to embark on your training to run a dirty little stop and rob shop in Konbeni DS: Otona no Keiei Ryoku Training (The Konbeni DS: Adult’s Management Power Training). Now you too can pretend to be that old guy behind the counter who wouldn’t sell you cigarettes when you were 17. From stocking hot dogs to Horny Goat Weed Sex-MaXXXX, you will feel what it is like to run a gas station.

I kid, the game actually focuses on running a Konbeni, a Japanese convenience mart a la Lawson CS or Family Mart, in which you will have to stock bento boxes and hopefully have to do an oden minigame. It should teach those kids who play DS during school about their future careers.


Whatever you do though, don’t call the person behind the counter Grandma as it is liable to get you shot (video after the jump) or as Grandma said “His nuts…… they gone.”


More Sushi Abomination

April 24, 2008

The famous Koi in NYC has added another nail in the coffin that is real sushi. Their latest offering is the High Roller (I do give props on the name). Take your average roll and then just start shoving in expensive stuff for no reason. Apparently this is served tableside with the chef shaving white alba truffles and pouring on 100 year old balsamic vinegar. The innards include Hudson Valley foie gras, langoustine brushed with saffron/vanilla bean butter and all encrusted in caviar. The cost is $1000.

As many people say “but there is no real thing as Japanese sushi, it evolves.” Yea…. NO. Japanese cooking adheres to strict guidlines, almost like a religion. Sure there are changes but they are so slow and minimal that it takes decades for something to be incorporated into it. Even then just because you cram something with expensive shit, it doesn’t make it fancy. I will unleash High Roller Jello when I open my restaurant. It is lime jello but contains the keys to a 747 in it. Just add some truffles and I will be famous and sadly, someone will buy it.

“Crap roll please.”

Fresh Baked Rickrolls

April 24, 2008

I think you know what what goes with Rich Astley, dinner and some butter. Some hot, steamy, buttered Rickrolls.

All you need is some time, a laser engraver, a generous collection of Rick Astley photos (which I know you do), and some friends to rickroll.

Butter that muffin.

Giant Hornet Honey And Other Curiosities

April 23, 2008

Many people know I like to venture into the strange when it comes to food. Sure I do have to draw lines because some things seem pretty fucking nasty, such has Balut, but I bet if you got me drunk I would be down. Same goes for Hákarl [video]. But let’s say that the local rotten fish market is closed, so what can you do to satisfy that tongue?

Over at Edible, they have a selection of pretty cool items that you can order. From Japanese Giant Hornet Honey to Scorpion infused vodka, there is no shortage of the bizarre. The packaging of these items is great, definitely display items for your kitchen. But now you know where to get regurgitated Vietnamese Weasel Coffee.


Girl Scouts New Cookie: Coconut Orangutan Bits

April 17, 2008

Every damn time I go to Sam’s Club to get some gas and a few things like toilet paper, I end up getting berated by some little douche who is flaunting their wares at me like it is some 15th Arab bazaar. The Jesus cross kids are already fucked in the head but now a new group shall join them for being morally stupid. It turns out the Girl Scouts are helping to kill orangutans with every box of cookies.

Those cookies that you love to shove into your food hole contain palm oil. Turns out that palm oil grows not natively where orangutans live but only after you slash and burn their homes. Then it grows really well. Two of the cookie peddlers are striving to educate people but let’s face it, no one really cares about the Girl Scouts except for their cookies. Their sweet, tasty, moist, soft, warm, delicious, pre-pubescent cookies….. I was talking about thin mints and samoas.

I can really taste the monkey.

Omurice Onegai Simasu!!

March 10, 2008

It is the end of the day and I am getting hungry. I saw a link for tamagoyaki over at 3Yen and it reminded me that I haven’t had some omurice in awhile. What is it you ask? Well how about watching some crafty bum whisk some up on the spot after breaking and entering with a minor. Such a simple yet delicious Japanese dish.

If you are wondering where the clip is from, the movie is called Tampopo which even features a young Ken Watanabe. Called “the first Noodle Western,” the movie is about Tampopo, a widowed noodle chef, who is helped by truck driver Goro and friends to become a world class chef. Food is the theme throughout this movie and it includes novel uses of food as erotic toy. It is a light hearted story full of fantasy. Fantasy because that bum would of made the omurice, ate it, and then molested the kid. Just like I do anytime I cook omurice.