Archive for the ‘Superhuman’ category

Rampage Jackson is Losing to Life

July 16, 2008

I’ll tempt fate and hope that Rampage doesn’t read this and then come to my home and kill me with his chain or just looking at me. Turns out that this month is not his time to shine as he lost to Forrest Griffin for the Light Heavyweight title (great fight btw) and is now being charged with felony hit and run and felony evading arrest.

Law enforcement sources tell us, Rampage was in a car crash near Newport Beach (that’s near Laguna Beach in the O.C.) and then split the scene. Cops gave chase and eventually caught up…”

You can tell the cop knows better to just pull his gun, not because he is black but because even a tyrannosaurus is afraid of him. Oh well, hopefully this will lead to him coming back and pounding the shit out of Griffin.

Tapped Out.

Stephen Hawking-isms

January 24, 2008

Lego Hawking

Truth is I just really wanted to post this picture but then I read the quotes and they are really good. They are all care of the great robot voice himself, Stephen Hawking. What most people don’t realize is that the Star Child himself was not always a gimp, he wasn’t born this way. He is afflicted with Lou Gehrig’s Disease and before that was a very active person at Oxford, where “he coxed a rowing team, which, he stated, helped relieve his immense boredom at the university.”

He is one man who I bet who had a roommate that felt that no matter what, he always looked like a whiny bitch compared to his roommate when it came to complaining about the workload.

The cosmos.

How to Jump Rope And Look Constipated

January 10, 2008

While most people when watching this video focus on the fact that the girl can jump rope incredibly fast, 151 times in 30 seconds, they are missing an all important lesson that she is trying to help out with. And that is how to jump rope and look constipated.

Not many people have mastered the art, hence her being featured on a nightly variety show. Her skill and concentration are not to be rivaled as she portrays and conveys the look of a person trying to entice her uncooperative bowels into moving fecal matter out her rectum. But you can tell she is winning the battle as a smile is present on her face amidst the expressions of pushing and straining. If only we all had that kind of dedication to our personal abilities, humanity would be better off.

Dëthkløk Fuckin’ Rocks

November 28, 2007

Most of the time Adult Swim kinda sucks. It was good when it first started, a mix of import anime and their own cartoons such as Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. But then the crap showed up: Squidbillies, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and the like. But as of Monday I was mostly ignorant about a show called Metalocalypse and come today I can’t get enough.

Described as “Spinal Tap meets Scooby-Doo meets Norway”, Metalocalypse follows the exploits of the part-American/part-Scandinavian death metal band Dëthkløk. They enjoy a popularity level unheard of in reality, being “the twelfth largest economy on Earth.” They are so popular that their fans will do anything their songs tell them, even if it means death. Yous need watchs it dildos.

“This is, I believes, called food libraries.”


Credit goes to IanKenshi for introducing me to this and for dressing as Skwisgaar Skwigelf for Halloween.

The Man Who Grew Roots

November 27, 2007

Man Who Grew Roots

So you cut your leg, what do you do? Pour bourbon over it and grit your teeth? Cry like a little bitch? Take a photo and upload it to College Humor like the fraternity douchebag that you are? Well if you are a poor Indonesian fisherman, you say “screw this, I am hardcore (aka poor). I will go about my daily routine.” Well that usually is the case unless you have a rare genetic fault that impedes your immune system and lets warts grow unchecked. And then you turn into a tree/Pan’s Labyrinth type freak show.

After testing samples of the lesions and Dede’s blood, Dr Anthony Gaspari of the University of Maryland concluded that his affliction is caused by the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), a fairly common infection that usually causes small warts to develop on sufferers.

But then this shit went crazy.

Roots.

Japanese Supermen

November 14, 2007

Granted these guys can’t hold a candle to yours truly, they sure can hold their own when it comes to doing feats of extraordinary talent. But the still loose to my abilities. Let’s see the breakdown:

—————————————————————–
#1 Guy: Can catch arrows in mid-flight
Me: Killed a bat in mid-flight (this actually happened)
—————————————————————–
#2 Guy: Being a crazy mountain man with nunchuck skills
Me: Crazy ladies man with pleasuring skills
—————————————————————–
#3 Guy: Missing teeth man who wields boomerang thing that looks like a shoehorn
Me: Has a gorgeous smile and wields a force within my pants that no one dare reckon with
—————————————————————–
#4 Guy: Can spit ice at super speed to shatter objects despite having blurry eyes
Me: Shatters items with a gaze from my big brown eyes, you get lost in them
—————————————————————–

I think we have a clear winner. The children, they are always the winner.

Alex Roy: Cannonballer/True American Man

October 17, 2007

Cannonball runners

The real reason to post about Lelouch’s famous run is because of this man, Alex Roy. He and his copilot did what many thought was impossible, drive 2,795 miles from NYC to Cali in under 32 hours and 7 minutes. The gear?

Twenty packs of Nat Sherman Classic Light cigarettes, check. Breath mints, check. Glucose and guarana, Visine and riboflavin, Gatorade and Red Bull, mail-order porta-pissoir bags of quick-hardening gel, check.

Oh and add in a heavily customized BMW E90 M5 with spy gear to monitor cops and a watch plane to scout out the traffic and road conditions. Also two years of planning to beat a 22 year standing record. We, men that is, tip our hats to you Alex Roy.

“Gasoline Burnin’!”