How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Beer

So let me ask you this, how many times have you been sitting there and thought to yourself, “Man the head of this beer just won’t go down fast enough. Let me see what I can stick in it to make it go quicker.” And after trying a spoon, your finger, and a strange guy’s cock that you decide “Oh, I know! Olive oil!”

I want to know who the fuck really does this? Please step up and make a comment and let me know that someone out there really just adds a whole heaping spoonful of olive oil to their beer just because of the head that might be there due to a bad pour. Despite fucking up the flavor, you do realize that you are just adding a whole 100 calories for no reason. At least if you put pretzels or say a scoop of bacon fat that you would get a good taste out of it. This is just gross, lubing up beer. Might as well just add some motor oil to that hamburger since it was too hot to eat.

Urawaza apparently is Japanese for Das-Fuckin-Nastee.

“Oh Fuck I Think I Just Shit My Pants!”

We have all been there but only an embarrassed few have gone beyond into the other realm. You are standing there, butt bubbling with intestinal brew. Ready onto the world are you going to vent the volumes of odors and gases from the rectal furnaces that burn within. But then suddenly as the knobs turn and the valves open, you hear the Foreman scream and all hell breaks loose. That with was a vent has become an evacuation. And as you still stand there, now grimaced in fear that others around might detect, the wave of realization crashes into you with the full force of the ocean behind it. You just sharted.

Now not all hope is lost. Over at The Angry Pharmacist there are tips to survive a sharting, from dumping the drawers and hoping there was no run-off to Macguyvering a Manpon to help sop up the sauce. Either way, there is gravy that needs to be dealt with and now, you might have a chance of getting away with it. Unless it was at your girlfriend’s house, in that case you are screwed or in luck, depending on how she cares to view the use of feces in your lovemaking.

Ploop.

The Man Who Grew Roots

So you cut your leg, what do you do? Pour bourbon over it and grit your teeth? Cry like a little bitch? Take a photo and upload it to College Humor like the fraternity douchebag that you are? Well if you are a poor Indonesian fisherman, you say “screw this, I am hardcore (aka poor). I will go about my daily routine.” Well that usually is the case unless you have a rare genetic fault that impedes your immune system and lets warts grow unchecked. And then you turn into a tree/Pan’s Labyrinth type freak show.

After testing samples of the lesions and Dede’s blood, Dr Anthony Gaspari of the University of Maryland concluded that his affliction is caused by the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), a fairly common infection that usually causes small warts to develop on sufferers.

But then this shit went crazy.

Roots.